Kaytie told me that if Tavion acted the way Jeff does to me, she wouldn't worry about anything. She would not put any relationship pressure on him or even ask for anything more. He's over here almost every night, he calls me several times a day. I have nothing to worry about, so I'm wasting my time.
I think she might be right, so I am going to chill out on stressing about it.

Gossip:
Sarah is pregnant.
Julie's daughter ran away.
Alicia's boyfriend's baby momma is pregnant again. Is it his?
Vessie is getting busted for underage drinking.
Wesley is in trouble for sleeping with a minor.
Mike beat some frat boy up in Alfred with a crowbar.

God. Jeff. I wonder how much longer I can keep doing this.

Awhile ago, Jeff sent me a picture of himself.
I told him I had been thinking about txt'ing him some but making them more racier in content.
I never actually found the courage to do it...

Until today.
It was great.
His response made me unbeleivably happy.
Much as his attitude towards me the last couple of days.
He is dripping with sentiments. Maybe that's why I finally did it.

I am completely in love with Mr.Marcus. I think he is the sexiest porn star on the planet. I told Jeff I didn't care who I was with, If Mr.Marcus wanted me, I'd have to stop whatever I was doing and jump on it. He told me no. He wouldn't allow it. He also told me that my ex-boyfriend KC was saying how much he wanted to have sex with me again and he told him that ( sorry for the blunt language ) that my pussy was all his.

Now. Why isn't he my boyfriend? Can't get jealous or make demands without commitment. Sorry, Jeff. I don't care how much I like you. I will do my own thing how I want to.

Question. Why do girls pretend they aren't into sex just as much as dudes are?

It's 2:09 and I'm waiting for him.
I stayed home because I he said if nothing was really poppin' he'd be over at 10:30 and he seemed awful concerned about where I was going to be tonight, like.. you know, he hoped I was staying home so he could come over.
I should have gone to the party with Matt. I know he's getting very annoyed with me.
The problem is, I REALLY don't want to blow him off till i know where things are going with Jeff.
I don't want to ruin something that could turn out good because I'm waiting around for Jeff.

.. but I will.

Today was my grandfather's funeral. I'm really not sure how to feel. I have so much guilt inside of me concerning him, yet even some animosity. This is the man who said when I was raped, "men have needs." This is the man who made that rapist his best man in his wedding. Yet, this was my Grandfather, who in his own way did give me alot.

I am madly, madly, madly in love with someone I cannot have.
He was appolgizing to me tonight for calling so late..
I told him I'm trying not to have any expectations of him because I don't want to be offended when the time comes where he's not in a position to call me and tell me goodnight every night.
He didn't understand, really..
So I told him I am just trying to protect my heart.
He got it.
I told him he was going to break my heart.
That upset him.
...
sigh.
So don't! don't! Don't break my heart! Be with me!
I've never had to push myself on someone. Anyone I've ever wanted to date.. all I had to do was show some interest in them. I never had to TRY to be someone's girlfriend. Sooo frustrating.

It's just, he's not like anyone else I've ever been interested in. He is so genuinely interested in my future and well being. He is so concerned about making me into a stronger person that is capable of handling things. It's intense to see him passionate about me like that. I hate knowing he feels for me.

I just don't know! Boys!

I wonder if Jeff's lack of calls these last two days is part of his plan to let me go gently.

So..
Matt did end up calling. Twice. So, I called him back at 12:30 hoping he'd be to tired to really talk. No such luck. I had to feign being extremely tired and excuse myself to bed.
Jeff did not call me once yesterday.
I called him on my break. Bad reception.
Called him on my lunch. Bad reception.
txt'd him at 11:30 to ask if I was going to see him last night. He just wrote back "maybe"
so, finally at 1:00 I txt'd him and told him I was going to bed and locking the door.
Guess he couldn't let me sleep alone because he came over...
but he was being so weird...
He confuses the fuck out of me. I hate liking him the way I do.
Maybe I should give Matt a chance, at least he pursues me.

Work sucked. We have a new girl. Vickie. I just kept calling her "that girl" and "Nickie" because she annoyed me.

I miss Jeff.
Surprised?
Matt didn't call.
Surprised?


no, not really.

Matt came. Jeff called. Matt left. Jeff came. Why is Matt in the mix again?

You don't call someone 30 minutes after you were supposed to be at thier house if you know you're going to be late. Call them before, I would be so much more understanding in that circumstance. Matt is almost always late. Kirsten warned me he would be. I'm not into guys who take more time to get ready then I do. I'm a last minute planner, if it takes you an hour to primp you get left behind.

I think Matt is getting it that I'm blowing him off, so I agreed to hang out tommorow night. I think it's a bad thing. The whole time I'll be waiting for him to leave so Jeff can come over.

I told him how I feel. I told him he frustrates me. I told him he was fucking with my head. He asked me what I wanted him to do. Nothing. What can you do?

HA!
Calling me at 2 am. Can't get enough?
Better make up your mind soon, clock is ticking and I won't be missing you forever.
I will move on.
I had you, I can get two just like you.
( or so I tell him, when i can barely tell myself that )
Honestly, when he told me I got under his skin and he doesn't know how to get over me I almost cried.
Just like when he told me he loved me; but I won't say it back.
It's not going to change the situation. He's leaving, I'm staying.
I want the emotional toll as low as possible.

God. I fucking miss him already and Matt? He's no subsitute.

I did not want to hear that this morning!
I do not want to get over him.
I do not want to look elsewhere.
If I wanted something different, I would have been chasing it.
I know how to break up with someone, I do it quite well.
Not my fault they've all come chasing back.
Off topic.
Anyways, It's only been two days without seeing him while we were on great terms..
How am I going to get through this week? This month.
I regret a million times over letting myself fall, especially when I knew this was coming.

Both guys I'm interested in/dating live with thier parents.
One has a great reason, well not great.. but no choice.
The other? Daddy's a dentist and when the girlfriend bailed he headed home.
What do ya think?

Too many people think they need to be my big brother/sister.
I have gotten this far okay. I won't say I did it alone, but sometimes people need to let you make your own mistakes.
Afterall, I've had too many mistakes turn out to be a good thing.
If nothing else, a learning experience.